when i was a little girl i used to crawl under my parents dining room table, get on my knees and pray to God to make me an angel. i wanted so badly for him to take my life and put wings on my back that it often brought me to tears. i would write him letters, made him promises to eat my vegetables, showed kindness to my siblings, all in anticipation of soaring through the sky. I wanted very much to watch over my family and to love the children of the world.
this trip of mine, this self-development world tour that i am embarking on….is not meant to be a spiritual pilgrimage. i have struggled with my faith, honestly with the pure concept of "faith" in general for the past 6 years of my life. i didn’t situate myself in the middle of southeast asia on some pursuit of faith. i didn't escape from reality expecting to be touched by the wonders of God, needing to return home and start some religious revolution, write a best selling novel and end up on oprah.
i honestly don't know what i believe in anymore, and i don’t want to be pressured in any direction. i have definitely allowed the philosophers of the light age to invade my thoughts and the scientists of the new age to revive fact with much less fiction throughout my analysis. but i don't need the influence of a fellow human to assist, if there is one thing that i do believe, it is that all will come to light when necessary.
although, i must say that there is a hint of sadness when i take the brief moment to reminisce. sad that i can no longer indulge in my youthful innocence. that i no longer want with every bone of my body to be angel……i miss my innocence, my youth, my unwavering faith.
i wonder which pill i would have taken, the blue or the red…..
xoxo – ShannonSmile
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