sense of peace

as i sit here on the beach, breathing in the salty pacific air, sipping on an island coconut cut open by a local, i finally take the time to ask myself that inevitable question….what on earth am i doing? i just quit my job, rented out my apartment, totaled my car, and basically ran out of the country. am i insane?

i woke up one morning and seriously found myself questioning my every decision. 27 years old, amazing job, loving family, reputable social life, finances in order……every decision, every move i made, so well calculated and thoroughly thought out, that i had myself set up for nothing less than perfect success. i've been this way my entire existence. for as long as i can remember, everything has been so meticulously put together, every piece of my puzzle fits into place, and that's because i specifically placed it there. i planned everything to happen this way. 

why then, did i feel so lost? where on my path had i made a wrong turn. on paper, life looked great…..in reality, i could barely look at myself in the mirror and be proud. 

my first love once told me that i would never be satisfied, and for that, would never be happy. his comment has followed me through the years, and recently i've been thinking that maybe he had me right all along. i used to find his statement quite entertaining, knowing that just because I didn't want to settle, didn't mean i wouldn't find happiness. but, i question myself now. in a world made of various shades of grey……is happiness even attainable? 

had bear's words come back to haunt me? would i never be satisfied? i stood there with tears streaming down my face, not knowing the girl that stood before me.

so you ask, am i soul searching, am i looking to redefine my faith, am i looking for that guru to change my life, give me that jaw-dropping, life changing one liner that will determine my destiny? no, not at all. honestly, i just want to wake up, every morning, with a smile. i would like to believe that everyone deserves that sense of peace.